September Update
The barber has just cut my hair too short. It’s surprising how much difference half a millimetre can make, I am half a millimetre more exposed but I feel completely bare.
So now, the part of my head that had been hidden from the sun is blindingly noticeable for all to see. And there nothing I can do... except wait and know that next week I'll be less visible. I have to stay patient and wait.
As I head back home I find myself looking down a little bit when I pass someone in the street, avoiding their gaze. My mind is creating a narrative - they must be thinking "Blimey, that’s short, why would you choose that?" - and internally I’m preparing my justification, holding it at bay just behind my teeth ready to release if needed. We pass each other by without comment and I settle again, but my mind is racing to all of the meetings, connections & reconnection that I have this week. I am already managing my anxiety in anticipation of judgment, my energy is being used on what I think might happen.
September so often feels like the start of the year. The shops are filled with ‘amazing' new lunchbox & pencil cases that every parent is anticipating will become lost or broken before half term.
Late into the evening, when its quieter (?) parents can be spotted frantically searching for the right size of shirt and berating themselves for 'leaving it so late again internally chanting the mantra of 'next year I’m going to do this at the start of the holidays".
Without doubt they'll dance the same dance next September.
There's an abundance of "newness" at this time of year. Equipment, shoes, uniform, timetables, haircuts. Haircuts. Haircuts.
New takes a while to get used to. New things are visible. It’s complicated. New often goes hand in hand with the expectation of gratitude, but we cannot be truly grateful for something that we did not choose or want for ourselves.
So when September brings a new time to wake up, to get dressed into clothes we did not choose to wear that day, brings shoes that aren’t comfy yet & a lunch we wish was different, then the responses may not stay contained behind teeth.
The "New" exposure may be minuscule but the feelings will be huge. At those points each of us will gravitate to the familiar, the old, to become regulated again.
Pyjamas that are too small, books that seem too young, TV shows that have been watched a 1000 times, food choices that you'd forgotten were once a favourite.
These are not unhealthy regressions, this is part of adaptation and the dance of the new. Try to have compassion for rejection of the 'new' that your child did not choose.
Work out where they can make choices & have autonomy, this will minimise control & help crate calm. Stay steady in the knowledge that the new will become the familiar, the familiar will start to feel safe, and the safety will lead to regulation & growth-millimetre by millimetre.
- Katy